Cooking up some trouble

One of the unfortunate residual effects of writing an article on 9/11 conspiracy theorists is a nagging desire every four months or so to visit some Alex Jones web site, either Prison Planet or Info Wars to see what the fear mongerer is up to. If you're ever in the mood to be terrified - not by what Alex Jones proposes, but by the fact that people actually believe him - this is a wonderful pastime activity.

And if you're interested in advertising for doomsday scenarios and the impending collapse of government and financial sector - oh my! There are evacuation packs, filter kits to take that brain-washing fluoride out of tap water, "don't tread on me" clothing, lead-free x-ray-proof clothing, and ads telling you to buy gold NOW.

My favorite today, however, was the Crisis Cooker, which retails for $160. Now, let me tell you a little something about this contraption. It burns any fuel. Really - any fuel you could think to burn. However, it seems to be designed for charcoal and wood. And it's incredibly efficient. Your chicken will be done in less than an hour! And it can double as a personal heater!

Has anyone ever thought of this before? Surely no one has thought of such a -



Oh.

Yeah. That's been around for a while, hasn't it? Under $30 and it doubles as a dutch oven too! All you have to do is bury it in the ground. No, seriously. That's what a dutch oven is. You'd think they'd have adopted kitchens by now, but they still do all their cooking outside.

Perhaps my favorite two things about purveyors of these fine fear mongering products is one, their surety that the end is nigh, and two, their unshakable belief that they are constantly being watched, which sets them in a state of hyper-awareness (read: fear of the New World Order).

By the way, these just happen to be the two points expressed in the P.S. and P.P.S. at the bottom of the page.

P.S. This purchase could easily prove to be a “life-saving” purchase. If Israel or the U.S. bombs Iran, or if we have terrorist activities on our soil again… the supply of these cookers will go to zero over night. I know that sounds like fear mongering. But it’s not. It’s the truth. Only God knows how much time we have left before all hell breaks loose in America.

P.S.S. Don’t forget to start buying bags of charcoal while you can. Buy a few bags at a time so as not to grow suspicion.

I like that last one so much I cooked up (get it?) a little comic to convey the sentiment. Click to enlarge:



The NWO-Conspiracy Theorist mindset, in fact, makes Teapartiers seem almost heroic. I am not a fan of Teapartiers or the racist, sexist, homophobic Teabaggers, but at least these people are sure of themselves. Whereas this "crisis cooker" guy buys a few bags at a time so the government will not catch on, a Teapartier would proclaim, "It is my constitutional right to buy as much charcoal as I want!" Teapartiers, I imagine, are at least informed enough and bold enough to do that. I might not agree with their politics, but holy crap do they have balls.

P.S. I wish I got paid to link advertisements while making fun of people. That would be an awesome job. Only problem is I'd want to say who I wanted to make fun of and would probably make fun of the product as well. Heh, dutch ovens.

P.P.S. Bonus Music on MySpace:
Two Dollar Grill (Long Journey Home) by Hee Haw Nightmare